Hi Chris,

My BF goes silent for days at a time, usually triggered by something I’ve said. His silence has ruined anniversaries, family celebrations and holidays. How do I make him stop? Or deal with him?

Quiet

Chris says,

Hi Quiet,

Your BF is sulking. A mixture of anger and refusal to say what’s wrong. Probably because he thinks you should know without being told. So when you ask, ‘What’s wrong? He says ‘Nothing’ in a tone that says there is.

It all comes from the idea that lovers should be able to see deep into each other’s souls. Which, of course, they can’t!

Your relationship was probably all sweetness and light at first. Until the sulking started. Your BF probably pushes away offers of comfort, puts on a frown, sighs and refuses to return your affection. Maybe he warms up when someone else is around, but freezes up as soon as they leave.

We all need to withdraw emotionally from time to time. But sulking is really a form of abuse. It may come from past experiences, or from growing up in a family where it was impossible to express needs or strong feelings.

But wherever it comes from, continuing to sulk as an adult is a conscious choice. So don’t keep asking your BF what’s wrong, as this will only reinforce his behaviour. Instead, say in a friendly way that you know something is wrong: ‘I know you’re upset, but I have no idea why. When you’re ready to talk about what’s bothering you, I’ll be happy to listen.

Until then, carry on as normal. Smile, be pleasant and stick to your usual routines. Not easy, but it works. Because once it’s clear that sulking isn’t working, things should gradually return to normal. And less in the future.

Explain to your BF what you’re doing when you’re getting on well. And that it upsets you. Because sometimes sulking gets so bad that it starts to destroy a relationship. So eventually you may have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship. Because ultimately only he can fix it.

All the best, Chris