I wished I could write this differently. I need to distance myself from the ensuing drama. Obtain a good moral standing. Even a smirk. I was on the verge of doing it, but that would be cheating, hehe. Most of the time, you would have seen right through me, which is not just unsafe but also shameless. However, in this profession, you must be shameless.

Cheating is characterized by outrageous arrogance. It encourages you to bury your morality, and thus your beliefs. It encourages you to transgress lines better than even the most scumbag Nairobian content developer. It necessitates breaking regulations and telling lies openly and without remorse.

I've witnessed a lot of cheating in relationships - Nairobi is commonly described as "one big bedroom," which I believe is the first step toward adopting societal evils as pop culture. My circle is getting married (or married off) as I get older, swallowing the bullet and foregoing regular casual shindigs for heaven-bound (I hear), occasional tempestuous sex. I'm holding out, but I'm sure someone's daughter will soon start offering those strange couple retreats where people pitch fancy tents.

When I was a fledgling literature student, I remember reading a book called Son of a Woman, which exposed popular literature. Chapter one opened with the words of a true cheat if cheating is a thing. He said, "Son of a woman, that's me." I'm a louse, and I'm the jigger in your toe. I'm a hungry jigger who enjoys biting. I enjoy biting gorgeous women. Women with bouncy tits. If you don't like the concept, you're the type I'm not interested in; credit Mangua, Charles.

So, why do males lie? Why do you lie? Why do people cheat? I'm no Dr. Phil, but let me give my thoughts on this: it's straightforward. We cheat just because we can. It's deluded self-assurance laced with youth pastor flair. Our drive to explore is the basis of our human need to explore. The jugular of relationships is exposed — a partner's faith in the lover. We sever that artery.

Cheating, in my opinion, is a form of self-preservation. You expect to be cheated on, so why not cheat first? Catch them before they catch you. I'm a jealous person. I have so much love to share – I can be shared, but I despise sharing. I know it's a double standard, but it's like expecting your local pastor to be your lord and savior.

I'll give you one more reason why we cheat: I have an ideal spouse in mind (long legs, a large forehead, the repository of an imposing brain, deep brown eyes that whisper 'take me,' and a rowdy attitude - all housed in the form of an Adonis). PS: If this is you, please send me an email. I already adore you) and I want my mate to be that. It's the Pareto principle in reverse: your partner may have 80 percent of what you desire, but you go out hunting for the remaining 20%. Desire is a raging fire that devours everything in its path.

Cheating is deeply personal, as anyone who has been cheated on can attest. It's a wound that festers and never heals, reminding you of something done to you with a throbbing emptiness in the gut and a sticky agony behind the eyes. It's a deeply personal affront. Himalayan pink salt meets wrapped. And this is crucial: why does cheating hurt so profoundly. Because you'll always wonder why you're never enough. And the cosmos never answers that question, nor does it explain why humans put pineapples on pizza.