8 Things You Shouldn’t Talk About on a First Date
The talking stage is an exciting yet delicate phase where you get to know someone before committing to a relationship. While open communication is important, some topics can be too heavy, awkward, or premature, potentially ruining your chances of building a strong connection.
Here are five things you should avoid discussing too soon:
1. Your Ex and Past Relationships
Bringing up your ex too early can make it seem like you're not over them or that you’re comparing your new potential partner to your past. While discussing past relationships may eventually be necessary, the talking stage is not the right time. Focus on the present and let the conversation flow naturally.
2. Your Deepest Insecurities and Trauma
Everyone has personal struggles, but unloading deep-seated insecurities or trauma too soon can be overwhelming for the other person. Vulnerability is important in a relationship, but it should develop gradually over time. Save these conversations for when trust and emotional intimacy have been established.
3. Marriage and Long-Term Commitment
While it’s okay to discuss relationship goals in a general sense, bringing up marriage, kids, or long-term commitments too soon may scare the other person away. The talking stage is about getting to know each other, not making life-altering decisions before a foundation is even built.
4. Financial Situation and Salary Details
Talking about money too soon can be off-putting, especially if it comes across as materialistic or intrusive. Avoid asking about salary, debts, or financial expectations early on. Conversations about finances should happen later in a more serious stage of the relationship.
5. Controversial and Polarising Topics
Topics like politics, religion, and personal beliefs can be divisive. While they are important discussions to have eventually, they can create tension if brought up too soon. Gauge the other person’s comfort level before diving into such debates.
The talking stage is all about building rapport, having fun, and discovering compatibility at a natural pace. While meaningful conversations are essential, certain topics are best saved for later when both parties feel secure and ready. Keep things light, engaging, and authentic to let the connection grow organically.
6. Focusing Only on Yourself
Your date definitely wants to get to know you, but you should be equally curious about who they are, too. Asking questions leads to a natural conversation flow and allows you two to get to know each other better.
“Be curious about this new person sitting in front of you. Further, make space for them to ask you what they are curious about, too,” says Granahan. “Make sure you both have a chance to get a feel for that by allowing some space for silence and asking more than you volunteer.”
7. Bad Mouthing Your Exes
It’s natural to discuss past relationships on a first date, and you can certainly talk about them within the context of understanding where each of you is coming from, what you’ve learned, and where you want to go.
However, badmouthing your ex is considered poor taste, and it also can indicate you haven’t accepted your own role in the relationship’s demise.
8. Delving Into Your Sexual History
Even if you’re very comfortable discussing your own sexual history, your date may not be quite as keen to discuss your past sex life or divulge details regarding theirs.
“Talking about sex or your sexual history…can sabotage the relationship,” Dr. Trotter says. “Sex is very personal for most people and discussing it on a first date is a red flag.”
If physical intimacy is important to you in a relationship, you can simply mention that fact and allow conversation to flow from there. Feel it out and don’t push boundaries if your date feels uncomfortable with the topic.
Final Thoughts
First dates are naturally going to feel a bit awkward or tricky to navigate, so don’t worry if you’re feeling jitters or anxiety beforehand. While it’s helpful to steer away from certain conversations, the most important thing is to be yourself and to try to get to know the other person.
“Remind yourself that this person has agreed to meet you for a date because there's something interesting about you,” Scott says. “They want to be there and they are feeling excitement about the potential of this interaction.”
That said, our suggestions for what not to talk about on a first date are meant to serve as a helpful guide versus rigid advice. When in doubt, feel things out with your date, stay true to you, avoid pushing boundaries, and have fun.
“In general, blaming others communicates that you aren’t introspective, don’t take responsibility, and live in the land of absolutes,” notes licensed clinical social worker Christina Granahan, LCSW. “Blame rarely comes in a 100 to 0 ratio.”
If the topic of exes comes up, instead of playing the blame game, discuss what you’ve learned and what you’re looking for moving forward.
