For some, marriage becomes an environment of economic dependence while to others it is an environment of never-ending expectations as well as emotional suppression from partners.

Cultural expectations as well as emotional suppression could lead women to experience mental health challenges, hooked on African cultures that have highly prized a woman’s endurance in marriage. 

“Respect your husband, and persevere,” cake matrons would advice in a wedding ceremony. 

In most cases, a woman is expected to forgive with no limit whatsoever, keep and maintain the peace in the family and can rarely voice their concerns as well as their emotional pain.

This was the experience of Peris, a teacher in Nairobi who devoted her all to a marriage that left her emotionally devastated.

“I became increasingly withdrawn due to emotional neglect from my husband and when I tried seeking advice from my close friends as well as my church community which I had devoted myself and put trust and faith in. I was encouraged to be patient, persevere and pray about it which only worsened my situation and. In the end, no one asked me about my own mental well-being and how it was affecting me,” she told Citizen Digital.

In the case of 35-year-old Wairimu, a mental health breakdown is what she got due to motherhood responsibilities and the burden of perfection in her marriage.

“I suffered from postpartum depression after delivering my third child. I was dismissed and termed as ‘lazy’ by my in-laws as well as my husband when I asked for help and I told that “Nafa Kuwa nime zoea because ni Mtoto Wangu wa tatu and I’m not the first to give birth and go through it”. I ended up totally depressed and left my marriage because of it,” Wanjiku shared. 

Sarah, a 40-year old woman, also went through the same fate when she discovered that ex-husband, who they had been together for over 10 years and had four kids had been unfaithful to her over the years.

“I remember finding several conversations between him and the woman he had been cheating on me with and when I confronted him about it, he dismissed it by telling me that I was just “overthinking” and being “insecure” about other women since my body no longer looked the same and so I was jealous and envied them. I felt like my world had crumbled down on me, my reality invaded, which in the end pushed me towards anxiety as well as insomnia,” Sarah recalled. 

For another woman, Hannah, marriage was marked by emotional neglect leading to diminished feelings of self-esteem and isolation.

“Every time we would have a problem between me and my husband in our marriage and I tried to address it I would be dismissed with no form of communication about the problem. I tried to seek help from counseling but my husband would refuse saying that it is not a manly thing to seek help from outside people about our marital problems. So the conflicts between us would be left unsolved and leave me feeling emotionally neglected by my husband.” 

Esther, a resident of Kariobangi South also shared her experience as to how her mental health went from worse to worst.

“I went through a tough phase of depression in my marriage due to Societal stigma and accusations of witchcraft from my in-laws because I was supporting my husband who developed bipolar disorder. I remained supportive and eventually facilitated his treatment as well as reintegration into the family,” she shares. 

Another case of emotional neglect is that of Agatha, who experienced multiple pregnancy loses which made her mental health fluctuate as well as her marriages.

“I lost my first marriage because I was losing babies and could not keep a pregnancy for a full 9 months. My marriage ended after which I got married again. The same incident repeated itself after waking up to bloody sheets and loosing another child. I was like my first marriage broke now this one has also begun. I questioned God as to why it was happening to me. I wanted to commit suicide because I felt no one would accept and love me”.

Damaris Mungai, a professional psychologist from Raham counseling and Training Centre in Nairobi says that emotional neglect caused by one reason or another in married women is a matter not to be taken lightly.

“Seeking emotional support from other sources like becoming more involved with friends would help focus more on personal growth that does not involve full dependence on their husband,” she says. 

Mungai adds that depression in women is not a character flaw or weakness and it is determined by the quality of the marital relationship one has with their partner.

“Mothers going through postpartum depression need support. They need self-love first for them to look for help but unfortunately most women do not know that help is available for them. And so, there is need for self-awareness that there is counselling available for women going through emotional neglect in their marriages,” she advises.

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Mungai argues that marriage counselling is also important in helping metal issues from rising in married women as well as emotional neglect.

“The goal of marriage counselling is mainly to promote the development of tools to improve communication, resolve conflict, as well as increase marital satisfaction to help promote healthier relationships,” she says .

“The affected party needs to first of all learn how to become assertive meaning that women who go through this experience need to communicate directly and in an honest manner about howe they genuinely feel.”

With the creation of safe environments in marriages, parties can speak out for themselves without fear of being judged or dismissed.