Do friendship heartbreaks hurt more than romantic ones?
People experience friendship breakups in silence because some think it is trivial, but that is far from the case because their mental state ends up in disarray.
Most friendships end due to fizzling out, but some involve betrayal, while others are in the dark as to why the friendship ended.
Oliver Kariuki, 27, says that a 10-year friendship with two women ended due to what he perceives as a love triangle. Kariuki states they had a falling out because one friend thought he was romantically involved with the other, but that was not the case.
He adds that conflict arose between the two, and he also got dragged into their dispute, which saw the trio of friends separate.
After a few months, Kairiuki notes that one of them reached out, and they talked things out and rekindled their friendship. He adds that they are still friends till now.
Drawing from his experience, Kariuki notes that women tend to have trouble when it comes to ironing their differences at the sight of conflict, especially among friends. He continues that men are more likely to converse and eventually reconcile after a disagreement than women.
“I feel like men tend to talk things out more than women. Women do not know how to deal with issues in a way that brings up a conversation,” Kariuki notes adding, “Whenever I disagree with my male friends, we talk about it and then decide whether our friendship can stand the test of time or say our goodbyes. It is that simple.”
Kariuki maintains that a friendship breakup is more painful than a romantic one because he considers his friends like family, and family sticks together no matter what.
“The pain in romantic breakups exists for a short while, but the pain of losing a friend is for life because friends consider each other as family,” he states.
Belinda Ndegwa’s friendship breakup tale involves a boy-girl dynamic, which she notes comes with challenges because most people fail to believe that a man and a woman can have a platonic relationship.
The 24-year-old says that the relationship, which impacted her, began being distant after her male best friend got into a relationship. She narrates how the girlfriend disapproved of their friendship and eventually told her to stay away from her relationship.
“Our one-year friendship ended after his girlfriend felt threatened by our friendship and approached me, warning me to stay away from her man,” she says.
Ndegwa, who admits that she avoids confrontation, decided to distance herself from the friendship without informing the friend concerning his girlfriend's warning.
“I started avoiding him, and my best friend struggled to comprehend why. I did this to avoid confrontations,” she says.
Ndegwa says that the best friend tried to reach out, but when she asked whether they had broken up as friends, he dismissed it, arguing that breakups are not considered a thing in friendships.
“That to me means that people disregard a friendship breakup, even though it hurts more than romantic ones,” notes Ndegwa.
Ndegwa holds her friendships in the same regard as her relationship with her siblings. She says, “I consider him like the sibling I never had.”
She states she does not hold romantic relationships with the same gravity as friendships. However, since the friendship breakup, she struggles to let people in.
She admits that she has not yet healed from the friendship breakup, “It has been five years since we last spoke. Honestly, I do not think I have healed. It is more like I put all those memories and hurt in a box and locked it, never to be opened again.”
Ndegwa also says that the breakup affected how she relates with new friends as she now tends to keep them at arm’s length.
Zeddy James, 30, says that he still has no idea of what went down in the camaraderie he had in campus.
“I was in a friend group in university, and we grew apart because I suppose an issue transpired among the women in the group, which disintegrated the group,” he says.
Zeddy says that they drifted apart and that he is only close to one person from the friend group.
“I am unsure of what happened, and we have never planned to meet to talk about it. It has been five years since. I only talk to one person from the group,” he says.
He remains hopeful that one day, they will have a sit-down to address what led to the end of the friendship since it was so important to him.
“I hope one day we can reconcile the differences," he adds.
According to Zeddy, "I would not compare it to romantic relationships. It is just not the same. Friendship breakups weigh heavier than romantic ones.”
Caroline Baraza’s story stems from betrayal from a close friend. Baraza says that the friend began speaking ill of her, tarnishing her name and that she soon got wind of it after a mutual friend informed her about it.
The 23-year-old confronted the friend about it, but the friend pulled the victim card on her, failing to acknowledge the betrayal.
“She turned into the victim and began bringing up issues from the past, making me the villain,” she says.
Baraza says the five-year friendship ended after they could not find common ground. The news of their falling out soon reached their mutual friends, but she says that she decided to distance herself from them to heal from the breakup.
“The news soon reached our mutual friends. They tried salvaging the friendship, but I was not having it. I resolved to stay away from them,” Baraza says.
She notes the breakup affected her mental health as the disloyalty from a close friend cut deep. She reveals that new friendships and support from the friends she had at the time buoyed her up. She maintains that it was not easy as she struggled with her mental health.
“Having mental health issues stemmed from the fact that I was betrayed by someone I considered a close friend. I started getting myself back together after opening up to other friends about the breakup and hanging out with new friends,” she says.
Baraza’s mutual friends convinced her to mend the broken friendship because it had affected the friend group. Hence, they asked for a meet-up after two months to pave the way for reconciliation between the two ex-friends.
The rendezvous proved successful as the close friend admitted her wrongs and apologised to Baraza, who accepted her apologies.
‘However, I do not fully trust her. If the mutual friend had not intervened, we still would not be on talking terms because I had already started healing from the betrayal,” she states.
Baraza says that the two months their friendship went on a hiatus were the longest she has ever experienced. She states that friendship breakups cut deeper than romantic ones, “I know of some people who experienced friendship breakups and resolved to avoid making friends,” she adds.
“It has been a year since we rekindled the friendship, and it has impacted my friendships,” she says. Baraza is now more cautious and has developed trust issues, as she does not reveal sensitive information to prevent friends from airing her laundry.
