The rains are back, but they have found Kenyans a dour lot. Everything costs twice what it used to. Businesses are shutting down left, right and centre, and it has gotten nearly impossible to string together back-to-back beef/chicken dinners. The government doesn’t seem to have any handy solutions, and Kenyans must find clever ways of surviving the harsh economic outlook. Here are some ways to do so:

1. Oversleeping

A key strategy for escaping the lure of breakfast. You don’t have to worry about breakfast if you wake up at lunchtime. They claim breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but that energy mostly gets wasted on traffic jams and early-morning gossip sessions with your work hubby. If anyone asks, you’re doing brunch for weight loss, not because sausages will bankrupt you.

2. Dump your lover

There are few bigger financial black holes than relationships. If gava decided to tax those arrangements of ours, we would be the second-best taxpayers. The cost of acquiring a cuddle partner has always been high, whether we are looking at outright expenses like weekend getaways and salon subscriptions or hidden levies like fare and ka-emergency 5k. If you’re looking to trim your budget, then I’m afraid you might have to give up matters of the flesh.

3. The vegan diet

No more steak. No more chicken breasts paired with a nice red wine. Certainly no more deep-frying anything. Saving money means eating lean. So plenty of greens, legumes, and things you would normally consider rabbit snacks. The big issue is not even the food itself but rather the attitude.

4. Darkness, my old friend

You know how your fridge has been running nonstop ever since you bought it? Even though these days the only thing inside is a bottle of ketchup and three eggs? Give that thing a break. You must also turn into your father, shouting at anyone who forgets to switch off a light when they leave the room. Why does anyone need the living room lights, when you can use the light from your Twitter feed? Do they know how much tokens cost these days?

5.No more mama fua

Most freelance domestic managers are more loyal and hardworking than some of the politicians left out of the cabinet. Unfortunately, that weekly kasomething you used to reserve for paying your mama fua must now be redirected elsewhere. You will have to wash your own clothes now, a horrific prospect that also endangers your manicure routine.

6. Staying home

We must adopt the same strategy we did back in 2020 at the height of Covid-19. We must confine ourselves indoors, where we can regulate the frequency with which we open M-Pesa. The second you step outside, you are on the hook for at least 500 bob. Bus fare. Lunch. Bribes for watchmen. Better to stay home and wait for the expenses to come to you.

7. Eliminate sherehe

It will undoubtedly be with heavy heart, but you must also eliminate sherehe from your itinerary. Not unless your sherehe has the look and feel of a chama, where you drink tea and beat gossip. The other kind of sherehe, the one with women dressed in bandages and clinking glasses on tables, the one with oontz music assaulting your ears well into the morning hours… that sherehe should be put on immediate hiatus.

8. Footsubishi

They are saying keeping a car these days costs nearly as much as raising a kid. You could be minding your business, pulling into a parking lot, and then the dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. Even beyond that, just fuelling the thing alone for the month will set you back one arm and some toes. The matatu stages are mostly still where they always were. The matatus themselves are still rusted metallic frames welded together by miracles and God’s grace. But you will get from A to B. You might even want to consider just walking. If the Israelites could make it all the way from Egypt, wewe ni nani?

9. Shopping in the village

There could hardly be a better time than to go visit shosh and all your cousins back in the village. How long has it even been? Tembea Kenya. Go say hi to your mum, she’s tired of only interacting with you via Whatsapp status. Go clap the old man on the back and listen to his shamba dispute stories. Of course, when you leave, pretend to be demure while they load sacks upons sacks of fresh farm produce into your boot. “Oh, mum, you didn’t have to!”

10. Nyumba kumi WiFi

You laughed at the nyumba kumi directive. You called that pioneer a madman for suggesting it. And yet here you are, suffering because you don’t know your neighbours. If you did, you would not experience that stab of panic once your internet ran out. You could just in to jirani’s WiFi instead and then ‘see him on the side’ later. Talk to your neighbours. Get their net details and share yours. It might come in handy.