For two people with differing levels of desire for intimacy, finding a routine that works for both can be challenging.

When making decisions, it’s important to focus not on what others are doing but on what works for you and your partner. Research suggests that being intimate at least once a week benefits a marriage.

Although that might serve as a baseline, determining what’s “normal” depends on various factors. Couples must consider aspects such as personality, level of desire, type of intimacy, and life stage when deciding what is healthy or typical.

Remember, the goal is to nurture and invest in the relationship rather than simply engaging in intimacy for the sake of it.

When determining the frequency of intimacy in your marriage, consider the following:

1. What Kind of Intimacy Are You Sharing?

Intimacy motivated by a sense of duty from one partner can ultimately weaken true connection.

It might be healthier to be intimate once a week while investing time in building emotional closeness, rather than being intimate three times a week without genuine engagement or joy.

Recognizing that intimacy is a tool for fostering connection, rather than an end in itself, can be beneficial.

2. Understand the Season

Though you were created as a sexual being, you are a holistic individual.

This means that factors beyond sexual desire can influence how you feel about intimacy and how you act in the moment.

For instance, consider your current life stage. If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, it might be harder to feel lighthearted and playful.

In such moments, physical closeness might mean holding hands or hugging rather than being intimate.

Similarly, if you and your partner are new parents or you’re pregnant, frequent intimacy might not be as feasible as it once was.

Health also plays a role, as intimacy may be easier when you’re not dealing with medications affecting libido or chronic pain.

3. Examine Your Motivations

If you’re wondering about what’s normal, ask yourself, “Why does this matter to me?”

Are you asking because you believe your partner’s desire level is abnormal, or because you feel your own sexual needs are unmet?

Or are you wondering if there’s a problem between you and your partner because you know other couples who are intimate more or less frequently?

Talking about sexual desire can be a great way to better understand your partner, discuss your differing needs and wants, and figure out how to support each other in this area.

4. Refocus the Goal

The goal of intimacy in marriage is connection. It’s about bonding, having fun, and sharing your most vulnerable selves with one another.

This is complex and depends on your individual traits, sexual preferences, and emotional, physical, and mental health, as well as your life stage.

Frequency plays a role, but only insofar as it suits you and your partner.

How often can you emotionally and physically connect with your partner for the purpose of intimacy while still feeling comfortable and ready? How often can your partner meet you in the same way?

The ultimate goal of intimacy is to connect with your partner so you can build closeness and grow together as a couple—not to tick off a box indicating you’ve met a minimum requirement.